Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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