everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
