You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
