I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
