Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
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