omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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