new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
