He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
