You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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