Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
