Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
