im having a threesome with these popsicles
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
