Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
