when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
