I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
