I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
then he tried to convert me to islam
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
