The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
