Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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