My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
