How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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