I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Randomize
