I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
