She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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