fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
