she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
where are you?
Hypothermia
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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