mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
