i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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