if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
my liver is dry heaving
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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