Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
