he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
