i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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