it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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