Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
