I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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