I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My Higher Power is John Stamos
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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