Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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