dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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