i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
