Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
