Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
