2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
