you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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