the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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