Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
