I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
