I can text with my tongue
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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