You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
