Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
