Im at strip club and am horny
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
