I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
