apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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