if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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