it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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