Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
