I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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