Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
