I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're like the curious george of whores
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
